with love, Theresa.

Sometimes, I get this memory flash from the past whenever I look at something.

Sometimes when I looked at a couple holding hands, I remember my first time watching sunset on the roof of a church with my first love and he took my hand in his. We stayed like that in complete silence until dark. Sometimes when it rains, I thought about how I wanted my ex-boyfriend who is in a long distance relationship with me couple of years ago hugged me and keep me from cold. When I see the color blue I remembered the times I spent crying because of my first love who left me for his girlfriend again. I was the other woman.

And holding back those memories isn't easy. I tried and tried to keep them on the deepest part of my mind and just lock them there forever.

So is holding back from falling in love with someone.

Every time I fall for someone, I can't hold back imagining a future with them. I cannot hold myself back from thinking how soft they lips were, how their hand will feel in mine, how their body felt against me.

Here I quote a beautiful poem that explains everything by Amanda Helm called "I've Been Trying"

Well, hello.

It's been a long, long time since the last time I updated my blog. I actually cannot remember that I have a blog in the first place, haha! I was reminded of this blog because I was reading my friend's and I was like "Oh, right! I have one too!". Here I am.

I suppose updating stuff in here is not so important as no one is constantly waiting for my new blog post (or there are some? dude get a life.) or anything. But I guess it's good too when I want to look back and just take a trip down to a memory lane.

Memory lane my ass, I just deleted bunch of posts because it's embarrassing myself.

Well, nothing much changes. I still play basketball, but I haven't played guitar for MONTHS now. Me and my team won some championships, I'm not being trained to be a playmaker for regionals (wish me luck!)

best. win. ever.

I won 1st place on a graphic designing competition locally, and placed 2nd on the provincial level. I have that one chance to go to nationals on something and I missed it. UGH. My grammar improved, I had a hemangioma surgery on my upper chest last year which now forms a keloid (UGHHH), I have a laser treatment on my face too last year (because there's stuff in my face that cannot be removed by normal medication ok don't judge), I sprained my ankles for a lot of times I cannot actually count them, sprained my fingers for way too many times too, I went to Legoland in Malaysia on 28th December, I made money from those championships too and I managed to buy a new phone using purely my own money. I'm on my second year of high school and there's only one year left until Uni so yay to that, and I'm now a student council president.

Which is shocking, really. I'm not a student council member on the first year but suddenly I was elected to be one. It doesn't matter, because I'm up to anything and this kind of things will be a useful lesson for me in the future, I'm sure.

Speaking of lessons, our teachers told us to make decisions for Uni choices from now because in Sept/Oct they're already accepting. I was kinda fixed on Bina Nusantara's visual design communication but my mom doesn't agree to that so instead I'm going to London School of Public Relation majoring in International Relations (since they told me that I'm good at making friends and stuff and yeah..)

What else is there to update huh.. Well, nothing. I'm still the same old me. Things are a little bit better in my life, there's less drama, I'm surrounded by my best friends that I will never trade for the world, I love my teachers I just hate the lesson, I'm in love with basketball more than ever, I already have visions of my future, and the most important thing is that I am okay.

I am okay, and I am content enough with what I have right now. It's not perfect, and there's still some things that is missing, and that's okay. It will come to me when Lord decided to give it to me. I am healthy, I am breathing, I can still eat everyday, I still can laugh and cry, I still feel anger and jealousy, I can still see my parents everyday, and that's enough for me.

Sometimes I am not okay too, sometimes some feelings are just unbearable. There are also days where you feel unbelievably lonely, and that's okay too. It's okay to not to be okay. We all need a break at some point.

Remember to live your life to the fullest and make this year count. Make mistakes, learn, and move on.

I'm grateful for what I have, and I'm grateful for what is more to come.

Have a great year ahead, everyone.