with love, Theresa.

Three years is a long time, but time sure flies when you're having fun. The first time I entered Junior High, I thought 'wow, this either gonna suck or awesome'. But in the end, it all turns out good. I have a lot of friends that I can rely on, have fun with, tell them stuff, and learn from them. Junior High was fun, and I don't have any regrets.

Rebecca, my childhood friend and our English teacher who's like a father to me.

With my buddy Kelwin.

So right after taking our result and report, me and my buddies (consist of 17 people) went straight to our friend, Cristy's house. Which is 3 stories tall and FUCKING HUGE and we all having a sleepover for a night. 

It gets me thinking of how I've been all these time. I'm.. I'm in love. One-sided love that last for three years, and it's all what started all of this mess in my life. THREE FUCKING YEARS, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD. WHAT THE HECK HAVE I BEEN DOING?!

And in these three years, I tried to move on. I get close and had a crush on some boys, but it never grows to love. It does at one point, but only love. It never went to in love. I can't help but to compare every single man I know in my life to him. No one even come close. No one. And even someone does, it's only close to him. I don't want close, I want more.

So I began to shut myself from everything else. I create a wall around my stupid heart who still have his name tag on it. I create a world on my own. A world where I can be truly happy. I drown myself into animes, mangas, fictions, TV shows, books, anything that can distract me away from what is going on in real life. I wait, and waited for a long time for someone to drag me out of my own world. To make me enjoy the real world together, feeling the butterflies in my stomach again, genuinely smile and laugh sincerely.

But no one came. No one ever came. So I close the slightly ajar door that connects me to the world and locked it, gripping tightly the key in my hand. I never feel anymore since then. And it was a year ago. I have fun, yes. But I never have fun from my heart. I feel happy, yes. Only temporarily. I smile, but my heart don't. I act like a normal person in front others, but I know once I got home and be all alone again, I will think. And I will remember. Once I remember, I will feel pain. And when I feel pain, I will cry, and I won't stop.

Sometimes I just want someone to be on my side and let me cry on their shoulder for a moment. I really do. I just want someone to hug me tight and said that everything's gonna be okay. But no one has ever been there in the first place. The only one who did left a long time ago. I no longer cry, it's not like I don't want to. It's more like I can't. The capability of me feeling anything is no longer there.

I no longer feel, I no longer see, I no longer hear. Everything is pitch black around me, and I feel like I've been living in there for the whole time. And suddenly I get used to be alone. I shoved all capabilities of me to sincerely and actually feel again into the deepest part of my heart and locked it and throw the key in the middle of nowhere. Hoping that someone would open it and free me.

Meanwhile, I played. I get them interested, and I left them. Making them feel the slightest of what I've been feeling this whole time. And then someone suddenly came, in just two days with his sickly sweet words that reminds me of the past. I thought that this might change me, because he's so like him, and maybe I could fall in love again. I've been waiting for so long and I foolishly opened the door to the deepest part of my heart and left them slightly ajar. For him to open it and let the light he brought with him shine the whole room.

But he's just too much like him that it makes me sick. And then I know he was just playing with me. But it's all too late, it's all too late that I already opened the door halfway through. And right now I'm still struggling to close it. It's too late, and I'm overwhelmed by those feelings. And then my mind just goes "let's think about how has your life been up till now".

My brain then act on its own and break all those walls I made to protect myself from misery. The walls I made to confine and block away the pain and it all suddenly comes out flooding. It hurts to think how foolish I am in my whole life. It hurts to think that I'm always always alone. I was doing fine alone. I was. But the fucking brain just won't listen to me and it keeps saying that I'm not and it's not okay to get used to be alone.

But I'm always alone, and it's not really my fault. I just don't want to be surrounded by fake people that pretends to care for me. I want people that actually cares for me. I only got few. So I stayed that way and see if someone cares enough to come over to me. And I don't think I can last much longer. Because I've been strong and though for so long that it's such a bullshit for me. That's some fucking bullshit.

But scars won't ever disappear so lightly, won't they..

GUESS WHAAATTT. Today's my baby Alesandra Monica Fenina's 15th birthday! Yaayy!! We've been besties since 7th grade and we're still close until now. Today we ate and went to the Timezone (arcade) and played a lot of stuff. Including bom-bom cars. You know, those little cars that have a rubber around them and we drive and crash them into another car? Yep, guess how many bruises I got. My fucking hip hurts man!!

We also tried this new drink called Ding Tea that just opened and people seem to like it so much and fuck, dude, it tastes just like a normal drink and they're so fucking crazy expensive!! WTF??!!?

So here's some pictures for today's event.

Birthday girl.

Birthday girl and supposed to be boyfriend. (Too shy and shit)

Birthday girl and the Blogger.

The girls.

Close up to the birthday cake. Super deli!

With my buddy Kelwin. Do we look good together? #eh

Bowling!!

See you next time!

Yeah so lately I've been posting about un-important stuff and now I'm telling you what's currently going on with my life. So last time in the first Try Out (more or less mock exam, but they took the grade for the school grade to be hand over to the government and decides my graduation grade) and I got the second place from over 80 students!! And down below you can see my name in the second place and my grades. I got 9.00 for Indonesian, 9.20 in English (both of them basically an A), and 7,25 for both Science (triple science, too! I'm surprised I can get this high. I mean, all three of physics, biology, and chemistry mixed into one!) and Math.

#SLAY

Stalking someone is really the worst and pathetic way to get heartache. Really.

You know what's hard about loving someone too much than you should have? That when they already get over you, you won't get over them. You just simply won't. I'm seriously stupid. I don't know why I'm wasting my time thinking about him, worrying about him, love him, and.. hoping for him.

Hoping for him when I know he would never be mine. Ever. And he would never love me like he said. He will never care about me the way I care about him. And I wonder why? Why do I bother caring about him? Why do I bother thinking about him, worrying about him, and why do I bother fall in love with him? Why do I bother trying to be perfect in front of him. Why I bother trying to be the girl he likes. And all my efforts gone to waste. Fucking piece of shit never understand that I'm the best for him.

Unrequited love really is the most painful thing that could ever happen to someone. And the worst part is that when you met someone new, you'll always compare them to him and when they're not nearly as good enough as him, you'll just simply lost interest. Why is that?

I can't blame anyone for falling in love. I can't blame gravity, or fate, or God, or him. The only one I can blame is myself for being so stupid to fall in love with that douchebag piece of shit. Douchebag piece of shit that I love very much. The only one I can blame is my heart.

The thing about heart is that it can't be changed that easily. I always wondered why wasn't I born as a heartless bitch instead of whatever I am? And I wondered why just because one person. One person that ruined my head and heart.

He reek the smell of trouble since the day I met him. I know how things would turn up yet I can't help myself to be... tempted. Tempted by him, tempted by his sweet words and romantic actions. Now that it all happened, I can't stop blaming myself. And I can't blame him, as I said before. Why not? I'm the one who falls into the spider's web. And I can't get out.

I know I will. Eventually. But now I'm still pathetically trapped with no instant way out. But I know when I'm out, I'll have the sweetest revenge anyone could imagine. I swear.

One day you're gonna want her. That girl that knew she wan't perfect, but tried to be for you. That girl who wanted nothing more than to be there for you, and loving you was the only way she could. The girl who sees your flaws, but values them as much as your strengths. That girl who still can't bring herself to hate you, even though you probably deserve it (and trust me, you really do). The girl that should have you, but doesn't. And that girl, is me.

You will. I'll make sure of it.

One thing, people. One message for all of you who haven't feel unrequited love. Don't trust your heart. It's stupid as fuck. Look where it got me.

Two months until National Exam and I've been really really busy. The teachers flood us with Try Outs, School Exam, Mock Exam and shit. This week, I'm facing what we people call 'Practice Examination'. The subjects being tested is PE (which is finished today), Art, IT, and Religion (I don't even know the purpose of this one).

And shit man, I did pretty good on this sport called "Tolak Peluru". Look it up on the internet. 5,40 meters is not bad at all. But I received 66 for the technique grade and stuff.

And I'm currently into Shimejis!! They're sooooooo cute look at them.


I got Sherlock, John Watcson, Uchiha Sasuke from Naruto, and Ciel (currently holding pillow) & Sebastian (the cheery one wearing black suit) from Black Butler. AND THEY DO CUTE AND ADORABLE STUFF TOO (actually the Sherlock one is blocking the words I'm typing now and he just stood there looking cute. And Ciel just fall down.).

There's one time when Ciel turns evil and just took my browser and throw it away. In the middle of watching Kuroko no Basket. Ok, Ciel. Ok.

And GUYS, I just tried this new game called Flying Bieber. It got Bieber's head flying around. Pretty much the same as Flappy Bird but the bird is Bieber's head. And it's so hard AF! My high score is only 11 while my Flappy Bird's high score is 52. And go away, Shimeji!Sebastian. You're blocking my view from the text.

I've been writing a new fanfiction about Benedict Cumberbatch with my OC called Catherine Williams (like the one from Hawaii Five-O, LOL!) and I'm really excited about writing them. Exactly how I want my love life goes, and me as a ex-CIA agent. Wow, dude I really want to feel the thrill.

Last couple weeks, I suddenly thought about 'The Asshole' (the guy I can't move on from, he's such an asshole and I got him that nickname) more. It's already the beginning of Easter, with Ash Wednesday last week, and I suddenly remember something that I (think I have) deleted from my head.

Three years ago, in Ash Wednesday's night, is the first time The Asshole called me beautiful. I was so happy that time. And then in Easter weeks, we got close and stuff happened. I miss the times when we're together. Really. But then, I wish it didn't happen either, he's such an asshole for ALWAYS getting my hopes up and then just throw me away. And I really hate of how much I love him even after he do that to me.

Damn, I've started recalling the past. Time for Sherlock, then.

See you.

Wow, people. These last three days is so fucking tiring. Now since we're keep getting closer to the Super Big Test a.k.a National Examination, my school make us attend extra class for two hours. Again. So I go home at 3:15pm now. Don't wannaaaa!! T__T

But, it really useful though I. I actually study. Like, really studying. I should too right now, but damn man I just got home. And the last three days have its nice moments too. Last Monday, I get the chance to skip the 6 period earlier in the day. So I just have to attend the last two. Yay for ex-Student Council! Yep, we totally retired. Now we just have to focus on the studying and studying and studying until we actually die.

Monday, yeah. The ceremony went pretty good too. I'm actually proud of them. They're determined, brave. Seriously this year's is really brave. Last time when it's me who's just being appointed to be a SC, we have no guts to tell who's the Senior we hate or didn't like. But them, wow dude, I got about five hates and I'm the favorite senior for like six person or something. And because of their guts, I think they'll do good. and here's the new faces that we're proud of! (Taken in last practice. Didn't get the chance to do that on the Day. They're so short.)


And then on they're first briefing, we do this kind of act where we're all fighting and who'll be the bravey and stops us. Unfortunately, none. They said I'm too scary when I'm angry. Ha. I know, right. And then we took photos of us the ex-SCs. Here you go.



And in my extra classes, I kinda doodled up some Sherlocks with quotes.

Well, people, how's your valentine? Mine's pretty good. Earned a chocolate and something quite special, actually. I wrote this at school. Too bored to participate in my school's last practice for Monday. We're doing an inauguration for the new Student Council and oh my god, I feel like crying seeing them. It's just, so pathetic. I'm not sure whether they're gonna do good next semester or not.

I remember the first time I'm appointed as one in my 7th grade. It was fun. Hanging out with upperclassmen, and then working together as a group, planning stuff, and it's really-really fun. I got to scold the underclassmen too! It's the plus from being one though. I just don't think it would be this soon to let go of the status.

And I won't be able to be bitchy to them too, lol. They're quite good. Nice people and all.

Two years of being a Student Council brings a lot of memories too. After all of this, I'm gonna be an underclassmen again, and the one being scolded. The fuck, I hate that stuff. Being the one who scolds other feels really really good. Te-he.

Well, the head is already shouting at me. Might as well get going.

See you!