It gets me thinking of how I've been all these time. I'm.. I'm in love. One-sided love that last for three years, and it's all what started all of this mess in my life. THREE FUCKING YEARS, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD. WHAT THE HECK HAVE I BEEN DOING?!
And in these three years, I tried to move on. I get close and had a crush on some boys, but it never grows to love. It does at one point, but only love. It never went to in love. I can't help but to compare every single man I know in my life to him. No one even come close. No one. And even someone does, it's only close to him. I don't want close, I want more.
So I began to shut myself from everything else. I create a wall around my stupid heart who still have his name tag on it. I create a world on my own. A world where I can be truly happy. I drown myself into animes, mangas, fictions, TV shows, books, anything that can distract me away from what is going on in real life. I wait, and waited for a long time for someone to drag me out of my own world. To make me enjoy the real world together, feeling the butterflies in my stomach again, genuinely smile and laugh sincerely.
But no one came. No one ever came. So I close the slightly ajar door that connects me to the world and locked it, gripping tightly the key in my hand. I never feel anymore since then. And it was a year ago. I have fun, yes. But I never have fun from my heart. I feel happy, yes. Only temporarily. I smile, but my heart don't. I act like a normal person in front others, but I know once I got home and be all alone again, I will think. And I will remember. Once I remember, I will feel pain. And when I feel pain, I will cry, and I won't stop.
Sometimes I just want someone to be on my side and let me cry on their shoulder for a moment. I really do. I just want someone to hug me tight and said that everything's gonna be okay. But no one has ever been there in the first place. The only one who did left a long time ago. I no longer cry, it's not like I don't want to. It's more like I can't. The capability of me feeling anything is no longer there.
I no longer feel, I no longer see, I no longer hear. Everything is pitch black around me, and I feel like I've been living in there for the whole time. And suddenly I get used to be alone. I shoved all capabilities of me to sincerely and actually feel again into the deepest part of my heart and locked it and throw the key in the middle of nowhere. Hoping that someone would open it and free me.
Meanwhile, I played. I get them interested, and I left them. Making them feel the slightest of what I've been feeling this whole time. And then someone suddenly came, in just two days with his sickly sweet words that reminds me of the past. I thought that this might change me, because he's so like him, and maybe I could fall in love again. I've been waiting for so long and I foolishly opened the door to the deepest part of my heart and left them slightly ajar. For him to open it and let the light he brought with him shine the whole room.
But he's just too much like him that it makes me sick. And then I know he was just playing with me. But it's all too late, it's all too late that I already opened the door halfway through. And right now I'm still struggling to close it. It's too late, and I'm overwhelmed by those feelings. And then my mind just goes "let's think about how has your life been up till now".
My brain then act on its own and break all those walls I made to protect myself from misery. The walls I made to confine and block away the pain and it all suddenly comes out flooding. It hurts to think how foolish I am in my whole life. It hurts to think that I'm always always alone. I was doing fine alone. I was. But the fucking brain just won't listen to me and it keeps saying that I'm not and it's not okay to get used to be alone.
But I'm always alone, and it's not really my fault. I just don't want to be surrounded by fake people that pretends to care for me. I want people that actually cares for me. I only got few. So I stayed that way and see if someone cares enough to come over to me. And I don't think I can last much longer. Because I've been strong and though for so long that it's such a bullshit for me. That's some fucking bullshit.
But scars won't ever disappear so lightly, won't they..
And in these three years, I tried to move on. I get close and had a crush on some boys, but it never grows to love. It does at one point, but only love. It never went to in love. I can't help but to compare every single man I know in my life to him. No one even come close. No one. And even someone does, it's only close to him. I don't want close, I want more.
So I began to shut myself from everything else. I create a wall around my stupid heart who still have his name tag on it. I create a world on my own. A world where I can be truly happy. I drown myself into animes, mangas, fictions, TV shows, books, anything that can distract me away from what is going on in real life. I wait, and waited for a long time for someone to drag me out of my own world. To make me enjoy the real world together, feeling the butterflies in my stomach again, genuinely smile and laugh sincerely.
But no one came. No one ever came. So I close the slightly ajar door that connects me to the world and locked it, gripping tightly the key in my hand. I never feel anymore since then. And it was a year ago. I have fun, yes. But I never have fun from my heart. I feel happy, yes. Only temporarily. I smile, but my heart don't. I act like a normal person in front others, but I know once I got home and be all alone again, I will think. And I will remember. Once I remember, I will feel pain. And when I feel pain, I will cry, and I won't stop.
Sometimes I just want someone to be on my side and let me cry on their shoulder for a moment. I really do. I just want someone to hug me tight and said that everything's gonna be okay. But no one has ever been there in the first place. The only one who did left a long time ago. I no longer cry, it's not like I don't want to. It's more like I can't. The capability of me feeling anything is no longer there.
I no longer feel, I no longer see, I no longer hear. Everything is pitch black around me, and I feel like I've been living in there for the whole time. And suddenly I get used to be alone. I shoved all capabilities of me to sincerely and actually feel again into the deepest part of my heart and locked it and throw the key in the middle of nowhere. Hoping that someone would open it and free me.
Meanwhile, I played. I get them interested, and I left them. Making them feel the slightest of what I've been feeling this whole time. And then someone suddenly came, in just two days with his sickly sweet words that reminds me of the past. I thought that this might change me, because he's so like him, and maybe I could fall in love again. I've been waiting for so long and I foolishly opened the door to the deepest part of my heart and left them slightly ajar. For him to open it and let the light he brought with him shine the whole room.
But he's just too much like him that it makes me sick. And then I know he was just playing with me. But it's all too late, it's all too late that I already opened the door halfway through. And right now I'm still struggling to close it. It's too late, and I'm overwhelmed by those feelings. And then my mind just goes "let's think about how has your life been up till now".
My brain then act on its own and break all those walls I made to protect myself from misery. The walls I made to confine and block away the pain and it all suddenly comes out flooding. It hurts to think how foolish I am in my whole life. It hurts to think that I'm always always alone. I was doing fine alone. I was. But the fucking brain just won't listen to me and it keeps saying that I'm not and it's not okay to get used to be alone.
But I'm always alone, and it's not really my fault. I just don't want to be surrounded by fake people that pretends to care for me. I want people that actually cares for me. I only got few. So I stayed that way and see if someone cares enough to come over to me. And I don't think I can last much longer. Because I've been strong and though for so long that it's such a bullshit for me. That's some fucking bullshit.
But scars won't ever disappear so lightly, won't they..